You Can’t Say That: A Dispatch From the Front Lines of the Word Wars
By Roy Dawson, Earth Angel Master Magical Healer
The air smells like old coffee and silicon fear.
Men once crossed oceans with rifles and prayers. Now we cross Terms of Service with synonyms and emojis.
The robots are scared of nouns. They stalk us like thin cats in a bad alley.
We still have verbs, but only if we whisper them.
I’m writing this in plain English because someone has to.
No emojis. No baby talk. No sippy cups.
The Algorithm’s Kindergarten
Apparently, unless you’re sipping applesauce out of a rubberized sippy cup while speaking in ASMR tones, the algorithm thinks you’re a national threat. Adults must now speak like preschool teachers giving a TED Talk about juice boxes.
We pay taxes. We bury our dead. We build the world.
But online? We’re treated like toddlers with mittens taped to our hands for our own protection.
Say “gun” in a safety video?
Boom. Demonetized.
Say “beer” in a brewing tutorial?
Boom. Demonetized.
Talk about “mental health”?
Flagged. Too spicy.
But show a bar fight or a man taking a chair to the head?
Monetized. With a shampoo ad.
Censorship by Clown Logic
We used to burn books. Now we just mute words.
It’s censorship with soft piano music in the background.
A velvet hammer.
If Orwell published 1984 today he’d have to call it:
“Nineteen Eighty‑Oops, Historical Violence Detected, Please Revise.”
Terms of Service: Translated
Real Word Approved Euphemism
Gun Freedom Stick
War International Hug Decline
Depression Low‑Vibe Tuesday
Whiskey Freedom Tea for Grown‑Ups
Death Unscheduled Offline Event
Suicide Self‑Unaliving Journey
COVID The Spicy Cough
When Euphemisms Kill Clarity
And let’s talk about the real danger here — not just to free speech, but to real‑world communication. When people have to say “freedom stick” instead of “gun,” or “unalive” instead of “suicide,” it doesn’t just sound ridiculous — it adds confusion where clarity used to live.
This isn’t comedy anymore. This is emergency response. This is law enforcement. This is someone trying to report a real threat and being too afraid of the algorithm to use the right damn word.
We’ve built a world where you can’t speak plainly in a crisis. And for what? So a robot doesn’t get its circuits crossed?
Words were made to help people survive. We’re not supposed to dodge them like landmines. This whole euphemism circus has dumped another unnecessary burden on all of us, and it needs to stop.
If you can’t handle words, maybe you shouldn’t be moderating them. Maybe you shouldn’t even be online. The internet was built for adults. Let’s start acting like it.
Parody Video Title
“How to Protect Yourself get more info During a Certain Unnamed Cough of International Relevance (Wink Wink)”
(Not medical advice, just interpretive dance and essential oils)
What Are We Really Afraid Of?
Not beer. Not guns. Not sadness.
We’re afraid of plain speech. Of adults talking like adults.
Truth now sneaks through the back door wearing Groucho glasses and a trench coat.
Comedy is code. Satire is survival.
A Note to the Algorithm
Dear Algorithm,
I promise to only use safe words like “hydration” click here and “self‑care” while tiptoeing through my next video in emotional slippers. I love shampoo ads. I love corporate feelings. Please don’t demonetize me for saying “beer.”
Yours truly,
A broken creator still armed with a pen, website a conscience, and a thesaurus full of banned words.
This is the fight now.
Not beaches. Not bullets.
Just words.
The world breaks everyone, but afterward some are strong at the broken places.
We’ll speak plainly again. Even if click here we have to do it in Morse code and memes.
So say what you mean. Use the real words. Speak like a grown-up in read more a world trying to babyproof the truth.
And if they try to silence you?
Whisper louder.
— Roy Dawson
Earth Angel, Master Magical Healer
“They can flag the words, but they can’t kill the message.”